Chapter 12

 Lunch had went well and the furniture being delivered had went well too. Once it was all situated, Negan took quick claim of the recliner as Cash stood back to admire the room. It looked 100 times better. It was more inviting and so much more like a home rather than an old hunting cabin and the most attractive addition to the room was his date. “You’d look a hell of a lot better on the sofa.” Cash boldly suggested with his hands perched on his hips. Negan tuned his head and looked up at Cash over the rim of his glasses. “You’ve got a whole lot of fucking testosterone coursing threw those veins of yours don’t you?” Negan questioned. Cash laughed. It wasn’t just the way that Negan looked or the way that he moved his body like a cat or even the way that he smelled so richly, it was his quick witt that turned him on as well. “Was worth a shot.” Cash continued to laugh with a wink and found himself a spot on the sofa to kick back and stretch himself out. “This is nice.” He smiled running his palm along the arm rest to feel the new fabric. “What’s nice?” Negan questioned remaining seated in his spot. “This. All of this.” Cash answered circling the room. “My place, feeling myself smile, feeling fucking horny which has been way too fucking long of a time.” Cash openly admitted. “And most importantly, my handsome company.” He added putting out an open hand to Negan. “All of it. It feels nice.” He sighed sitting back into the cushions looking around the room. “It’s been awhile?” Negan questioned. “Real long. Too long.” Cash answered honestly. “Since your wife or a man?” Negan dared to question “Miranda,” Cash stated “a long time and as far as a man goes, never. To be honest with you, Negan, a man’s never turned my head before so I’ve not a fucking clue how this all works. All I know is that when I pulled you up on my computer, you were flipping all sorts of my fucking switches and I can’t readily remember the last time that happened.” He shared. “You don’t bull shit do you, Howlett?” Negan asked. “What’s the point in it?” Cash asked with a shrug. “Look, I know that you’re getting ready to leave, I feel it and I already can’t wait till the next time you just fucking show up again.” He admitted. Negan passively smiled to himself. Maybe someone taking charge was what he needed and Cash was laying it right out on the table for him to take it or leave it but there were other factors at hand that Negan wasn’t too sure of that he was wrestling with as well. “So, no, I don’t have a goddamn clue how this goes, whose supposed to make a first move, not Jack shit so you’re going to have to help me along and I apologize for my lack of experience.” He added feeling flush but it had to be said. “I’m not going to much of a help.” Negan groaned. “Fuck.” Cash replied figuring that he’d shared entirely too much and maybe Negan wasn’t interested in a high maintenance newbie. “Is my inexperience a turn off?” He asked knowing damn well that his cheeks were pink again in embarrassment. Negan just wasn’t used to sharing anything at all and Cash was obviously very comfortable with how he was feeling. “Oh, no. I’m turned on plenty.” Negan nodded cracking his knuckles. “This is my first too and if it weren’t for me totally fucking up and having to open that bottle of wine to show you that I WAS real fucking interested in you, I’d not have admitted it, if at all.” He shared considering his secret that was bigger then him acting upon his gay feelings. “Then why did you?” Cash questioned. “Because Howlett, I really like you and I knew it wasn’t a thing I could just stretch out. I didn’t want you to slip threw my goddamn fingers because I’m just nervous so I don’t know what in the fuck I’m doing either.” He shrugged. “See, I had married my best friend and as much as I love her, I thought me being married would change my desire for a man but unfortunately, it hadn’t.” Negan opened up with. Cash sat to listen. “So anyway, as much as I loved and do still love my wife, as time continued on I had a harder time being intimate with her and not because she’s not a beautiful woman because she is. Emily is a knock out. The most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen.” He smiled seeing her big blue eyes in his mind. “My mind wanted her but my body wasn’t letting me. She had hurt feelings thinking it was something that she had done and I was horrible upset with myself. She was beating herself up at the gym and crying a lot and frankly, so was I. We did have a son together, a beautiful child. Smart, athletic and handsome.” Negan smiled proudly. “I always wanted kids but Miranda didn’t.” Cash shared. “I’m sorry about that.” Negan genuinely felt because if it hadn’t been for his son, he wasn’t sure he’d have had the courage to go on or why he chose his path in order to keep himself from self destruction but that wasn’t to be shared at all and maybe certainly not if ever. “Ethan is 14 now and lives with his mother, Emily, and her new husband who oddly enough is my kid brother who is actually Emily’s age. Nox was an oops, surprise baby for my parents.” Negan laughed. “So how did that all work out if your don’t mind me asking?” Cash asked finding interest. “I was thankful. I knew my brother had always liked Emily and shit just sort of fell into place. So anyway, “ Negan straightened in his chair needing to finish his story. “5 years into our marriage, Ethan was 4, I had to tell my wife that I was gay. I had to tell her. For her and for myself. We were both at such a horrible low. I had to tell her that it wasn’t her. It killed me, Cash. It really fucking did. I had tried so..mother..fucking.. hard. She deserved a partner who didn’t have to close his eyes and imagine some guy sucking him off instead of her in order to get hard for her because that’s what it was coming down to. I’d have to sneak a peek at some guys going at it to get myself primed so I could perform for her as well as for me me too because like I said, I loved and still do love my wife but it wasn’t fair to her.” He trailed off shaking his head and feeling the shame and the hurt all over again and what lead him to his life sentence he had chosen next. Cash was unaware of that chapter… yet but what he could feel was the pain from across the room. “My love for Emily will never go away. She is a fantastic mother to our son and she and my brother are very happily married but she’ll always be my wife.” He explained. “Of course.” Cash nodded only imagining what that had to have felt like because it obviously was still quite upsetting to him to digest. “And you? Your wife?” Negan asked in order to change the subject. “A rotten fucking bitch. Not even in the same category as a human as your Emily.” Cash supplied. “That bad?” Negan asked. “She hurt me pretty fucking bad so I’m glad it’s over. I have no wife but I certainly accept yours.” He smiled. “Maybe if things go well, you can meet her.” Negan offered and couldn’t believe that he was actually picturing himself in the future with Cash. “I’d like that.” He accepted and he was already picturing it too as crazy as it was. “I’ve never pursued anyone. I’ve never acted on an impulse. I’ve held this all in. That is up until you.” Negan shared feeling inadequate himself. “So as much as I want to join you on that couch right fucking now and let go of all of these inhibitions, I gotta ease into this which I know sounds like a real bitch thing to do but up until now I wasn’t ever going to let out my feelings.” Negan asked drawing himself a boundary. He needed that for many reasons. He was unsure of how he would be and act sexually since he had chosen the family path that he had. Cash ran his hand along the arm rest in thought. He had his own secret that if they were to share they would find that they weren’t all too much different and would also explain why such a pull had made on them both but he couldn’t. Hell, Miranda hadn’t even known what he kept hidden. “Unless you’re ready to just fucking nail something because you’re newly divorced and ready to just fuck then I suggest you just get that out of your fucking system elsewhere.” Negan added sternly because Cash’s silence was deafening. “Don’t mistake my eagerness for shallowness.” Cash quickly corrected. “I’m not interested in women and haven’t been for sometime and although  I’ve never been interested in men before, I happen to be very interested in one now. I am NOT looking to go out and drag shit home here.” Cash said making himself perfectly clear as well. “I’m wanting to date you, Negan and seriously at that. If your need things to move slow, I’m all for it. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life having my teeth kicked in trying to make something work that clearly wasn’t going to. I want affection. I want companionship . It’s in my blood to feel a deep connection.” He spoke speaking loosely of his condition. “I may be all of this.” He said patting down his muscled torso “but I’m just a big fucking lap dog in his den. I’m so ready for movies and cuddling. I’ve spent too many years trying so hard for that connection that I’m excited for this. Now maybe since we are laying it all out on the fucking table, that’s what I’m looking to get out of this.” He said waving a finger between them. “I want companionship as well as the intimacy. So I don’t need to get shit out of my system. I’m perfectly fine handling myself  and even that’s felt better since I laid my eyes on you.” He continued to share and he wasn’t real sure why he was letting it all out but yet inside himself it felt right too. “You’re fucking serious?” Negan laughed finding it thrilling. “And you haven’t?” Cash interjected. “Of course I fucking have. Not just any fucking body has drug me out of my shell.”  Negan flirted with a wink and slid his tongue over his sharp fang that was concealed under his upper lip.  He wasn’t sure or how far that he wanted to let himself go but he knew that he’d need to consider Cash’s safety from himself as well. After all, up until now, he had just wanted to bring the officer one of his barn cats and to enjoy staring at his body and that big smile of his. He hadn’t  accounted on any of this at all. A huge part of him wanted to grab hold of him to feel his body around him and the other part was telling himself that he was dreaming that any of this was going to be remotely possible. “I need it to go slow.” He chose to define. “Will there be a second date?” Cash asked as Negan stood and he followed suit. “Of course there will be.” Negan said digging in his pocket for his set of keys. The anticipation was thick each wondering what was going to immediately come to pass and that would be a kiss. If Cash was going to go for it, Negan was going to allow it he thought. Cash was heavily considering it until they were both interrupted by a surprise knock at the door.