Chapter 17

 It was from the knock on the door till the cusp of the dinner hour that had Negan contained. He hadn’t had a free moment to speak of for a phone call. While he conducted his business in the back of his mind was how he needed to call Cash to thank him for the roses. The more time that had passed the more Negan knew that Cash was doubting himself. He knew what that looked like in Cash’s eyes and he could feel it. There hadn't been time to thank him and now it was well past the time to invite him to dinner much less to ask Minerva to prepare something impressive and romantic. It was nights like this when his business ran long that called for Chinese take out and he sure in hell wasn’t inviting Cash to his house for the first time to have him eat out of a box. 

Cash at first had felt the rushing excitement of sending Negan that arrangement of roses. He had felt real good about it as well as enjoyed the anticipation of receiving that phone call and hearing that deep scratchy voice that was bigger than his body in his ear. He knew that he was falling quickly and as the hours passed and no response from Negan had come he realized that he was indeed falling too quickly. He felt a fool checking his phone. Was it on silent? Had he not heard it over his leaf blower? He had occupied himself with taking care of the mess of leaves in his yard and beat himself up in the process. He tried hard. He always did. He couldn’t help that. His genetics were that similar of dog. His loyalty and love came easily to him and he blamed everything that had broken between he and Miranda on himself. He had pushed her and now he had spooked Negan. The need for him to belong to someone, to love and defend them was hard on his heart. He knew that the sun had begun to dip as well as the temperature but continued to work. If he went in the cabin, he’d just pace the floors and the walls would swallow him whole. 

When Negan finished with his last meeting, the first thing he did was put in a call to Cash. However, no call that he placed would connect past his voice mail. Negan figured intentional but unbeknownst to him, Cash had given up  and had left his phone by his bedside after lunch in depression of it not ringing. This was the very opportunity Negan knew that he’d have to let Cash go but here he was now in his own panic changing from his suit in a big ass hurry into something comfortable to head out to the woods in. Without truly knowing, Negan knew why Cash wasn’t answering his repetitive calls but that didn’t stop him from dialing anyway. Negan knew after the second call that Cash wasn’t going to answer but he hoped he’d get pissed and pick up. Cash was sensitive and damaged from his ex wife. That emotion of his was easily displayed a few times and he knew that Cash would need and require his reassurance for awhile that he wasn’t going to shit down his throat. That was obvious.  Negan knew that this was the time to let sleeping dogs lie but he couldn’t. “I’m coming, Beasty.” He told himself out loud while throwing a few things for himself in his carry on bag with every intention of staying the night with him. He wanted in that bed of his and even more so to be held in those arms of his. Now he was getting excited even though he knew that he’d be on damage control when he got there for a bit. “TONY!” He called out gruffly stepping from his room with his bag slung across his chest and his bed pillow under the opposite arm making his way down the hall looking for his butler. He needed to tell him that plans had changed and that he needed his cooler to store a reserve in. He had however kept it in his mind that he’d use the night and woods to his advantage for a fresh kill while Cash slept. 

Cash had just been ready to put his leaf blower, gas can and rake away in the tool shed when Negan’s truck pulled threw the trees. Everything that his insecurity had been fighting all day washed away in an instant seeing that pick up pull up along side his. He stood with the leaf blower in one hand hung to his side and the gas can in the other as Negan held no hesitation from getting out of the cab. “You’re pissed. I fucking get it.” Was the first thing Negan had to say knowing that his assumptions had been correct in how Cash had been feeling because the lawn that had been neglected for years was now clean. All that was left was a sporadic leaf that had freshly fallen here and there. “I was caught all damn day. ALL fucking day.” He added swinging his door closed behind himself. “What?” Cash asked in a chuckle. “Oh quit with the bullshit, Beasty. You’re fucking pissed. I mean just LOOK at this fucking yard!” He exclaimed throwing his arm out to the matted and molded yard that now after all these years saw the light of day. “You’ve been pissed and with in reason. The flowers are just beautiful. Thank you.” He smiled resting his hand over his thudding heart. He knew that Cash’s eyes would be his weakness. Cash chewed his cheek and nodded. “You’re welcome.” He added with his shoulders dropping. “I wasn’t pissed.” He clarified and headed towards the shed. “Fine. Hurt. You were hurt.” Negan embellished catching his stride and took the gas can from Cash’s hand to help him put things away. Cash sighed and pointed to the floor where he’d like the can. He really didn’t want to share his weakness to Negan. “Come on, Beasty.” Negan added. “Well, maybe a little.” He admitted admiring Negan’s shoulders that were turned to him. Negan could’ve laughed and normally would have found something sarcastic to fire back but he didn’t. Cash needed to know that he cared. “Your wife beat the shit out of you. You wear your heart on your sleeve and she wiped her nasty ass on it. It’s going to take me awhile to bring that reassurance in you that I’m not her. You were hurt. You didn’t know what was going on. You spiraled. I would have too.” He said facing Cash. Cash held the work bench and nodded. “She was hard on me.” He admitted. “I know she was and I’m going to lick those wounds clean.” He promised. “I  was in meetings all damn day the moment your arrangement had arrived. You were all I thought about. I called you probably a dozen times within the last hour as I was hauling my fucking ass to change my goddamn clothes and to pack a bag.” He shared with a smirk. “You packed a bag?” Cash now smiled of the welcomed surprise. “Yes I packed a fucking bag and my goddamn pillow too. I’m spending the night and yes, I have intentions.” He openly admitted. “I thought you wanted things slow.” Cash edged. “Yeah, well, fuck that all to hell now. I’m looking to get laid tonight and fall asleep under that arm of yours.. Do you have a problem with it?” He was quick to fire back. “Nope. Can’t say say that I do.” Cash added shaking his head with a stiff upper lip even though his eyes sparkled that easily gave away his happiness. Negan smirked. “I’m just happy that you’re here. I feel better already.” He winked. “I knew that you would be and I’m sure you knowing that I’m going to suck your cock tonight sweetens the pot doesn’t it?” He asked. Cash laughed out loud squinting an eye and showed Negan the inch between his calloused fingers. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Negan joined in with the laughter and found himself looking around the trees for his later agenda. He wanted to check the grounds for his hunt later after midnight. “Have you seen many deer?” He questioned switching gears. “You hunt?” Cash asked in surprise. Negan hadn’t struck him as the type. “I enjoy fresh meat from time to time, so yes.” He answered loosely. “Hmm...” Cash hummed with a nonchalant shrug. “Me too.” He agreed. “There’s a run that I’ve noticed down by the water’s edge. Want to check it out?” Cash questioned throwing his thumb over his shoulder towards the tree line. “I would actually. It’s been awhile since I’ve had venison.” He answered. “Great. Let me lock up and we’ll take a walk.” Cash added replacing the pad lock on his shed and jogged up to porch to grab his keys and lock up the cabin. “What are we doing for dinner?” Cash called out as Negan watched him try to scoot  his cat away from the door with the arch of his boot trying to slip out the door himself but a body that broad didn’t slip threw anything. “Do you like her?” He asked as Cash squeezed himself out. “I don’t want her outside. Too many coyotes and owls.” He said circling over his head. “But, yeah, she’s a cutie. I’ve never really liked cats per say but she’s a hard one to deny.” He laughed. “She’ll probably want to sleep with us. At least she did last night. It got cold in the night.” Cash added. Negan closed his eyes for a moment to feel his words. “What? You don’t want the cat in the bed? You gave her to me.” Cash guessed as to Negan’s reaction as well as to the surprise because he had a barn full of cats and horses and that wasn’t to mention what else he had. He figured Negan to be an animal lover. “I’m just loving the thought of sharing a bed again.” He sighed. “It’s something that I’ve missed. No, I don’t mind the cat.”  “So, you’re really not bull shitting me. You really did bring your pillow?” Cash laughed leading Negan towards the woods. “Yes I brought my fucking pillow. I go to Italy, I take my pillow. I fly to Romania, I take my goddamn pillow. I’m spending the night because after we fuck I’m going to be very much up in my feelings and I’m not going to want to leave. I didn’t think you’d mind.” He defended. Cash quickly cuffed his hand into Negans that hung by his side and laced his fingers threw Negan’s and gave them a firm squeeze. “I wasn’t going to let you leave my bed if you tried. Bring your goddamn blanket for all I give a damn. I’m so ready to share my rest.” He said and lifted Negan’s hand to touch his own chest. “You have a way that just eliminates all of my rational thoughts.” Negan replied and tugged back on Cash’s hand to himself and kissed the bumpy bridge of Cash’s knuckles. “You mean of why you  and I aren’t a good idea.” Cash pried keeping his hand locked to Negan’s and shuffled threw the leaves with him. Negan nodded. “I’m concerned about you, Beasty. If you defend me you’ll find yourself dead. You’re out here in the middle of the fucking woods by yourself and those mother fuckers will make it look like an accident and even if it doesn’t, they will write it up as one. You and me aren’t friends outside of our homes and I don’t want you sticking your neck out for me.” Negan began with. Cash turned up his nose and shook his head in protest. “I’m not playing their game, Negan. You have every right to live here peacefully and besides, I’m not up for pretending Jack shit that I don’t know you and especially after we sleep together and ESPECIALLY..” he stalled in escalation “and especially what?” Negan snapped. “What do you think? What do you think is happening here? You’ve brought me a cat. I’ve sent you flowers. You brought a pillow for fuck’s sake and we’re holding hands. My heart both raced and settled the moment I saw you pull up in my driveway. If you’re asking me to pretend to not know you after I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you then you’re up for a WHOLE new fucking reality because I’m not doing it.” He ground with the law. “Look, you’re handsome, you’re rich as fuck.” He pointed out. “Is that right?” Negan interrupted raising a brow. “Oh, get off it, you know that you’re a fucking catch. Hell yes I’m proud of it.” He defended in demand that he wasn’t messing around. “Wow.” Was all Negan could reply with and raked his free hand up threw his black hair. “Oh give me a break. I’m not after your money, Negan. You know what the fuck I mean.” Cash added pulling Negan’s hand into his hip. “ I fucking know that. I mean wow is in you’re wanting to be out just fucking like that. No fucks given.” Negan exclaimed letting that catch up to himself and sink in. “Yeah, just like fucking that. I don’t want to welcome in anyone that my chief or partner wants to introduce me to. If you ask me to hide and live a double life I won’t do it. I do not fucking want that. Would you be ok with me suited and taking a date to a fundraiser? Thanksgiving is around the corner. Are you ok me having dinner with so and so and introducing them to my folks because that’s what you’re looking at.” He stated flatly slapping Negan with some truth that Negan knew too. “No.” He hissed feeling his blood boil at the thought of that hand that he held tight to ever touching another other than himself. “Exactly. I go to a fundraiser, I want my handsome as FUCK boyfriend by my side in one of his killer 3 piece suits. If I’m doing this, I’m fucking doing it.” He spoke in certainty. Negan sighed and looked to the river for a moment. Cash stopped walking and pulled back on Negan’s arm to stop as well. “You’re not out are you?” He asked. Negan shook his head no and fixated on the water. “Aside from Emily and my butler as of two days ago, no. Funny how I’ve known that I’m gay most of my life and fought it and then came the acceptance but yet not ready and here you are, never a previous thought before now and you’re just ready to show the world with no fucks to give.” Negan admitted and he was right. No. Cash didn’t give a fuck. He did however didn’t want to discredit Negan’s feelings but hiding wasn’t going to be an option. Not for them. “Hey,” Cash said shaking Negan’s hand and giving it a squeeze for now his reassurance. “I’m not saying we put in an announcement in the paper or hang flags alright? We ease into it together. But what I’m refusing to do is pass you off as some ghost woman that I’m dating and when the time arises that I bring you along to that I have to come up with some reason why you couldn’t make it. I’d hope that you’d be as proud of me as I am of you.” He asked looking to Negan’s bearded clenched jaw. “Of course I am. Look at me, how about look the fuck at you.” He said waving his hand over Cash’s body. “I want people to know that I’m the one that gets to take you home and fuck you.” He snarled. Cash smiled. He loved Negan’s way with words. “Fine. But we ease into it.” Negan added furrowing his brows with shifty eyes in thought. “Damn. Here I had our mesh tank tops all picked out and everything.” Cash joked to lighten the mood. “Fuck you.” Negan laughed. “I wouldn’t be caught dead and you’d like like a fucking idiot.” He roared with the imagery invading his thoughts. Cash smiled that Negan was laughing at his expense. It was an ugly thought after all. “Look, Negan, just let me be the cop that I am and trust me that I know what in the hell I'm doing. These fucking hillbillies aren’t shit ok?” He asked. Negan stopped laughing immediately. “I gotta tell you, Beasty, I’m not loving the fact that you’re a fucking cop.” He groaned. “It comes with the territory.” Cash added looking for Negan’s eyes to meet his own. “I accept it. I just don’t have to like it.” He added. “Well, maybe it’s time that Canton got themselves a new chief.” Cash suggested. Negan found his smile again. “Even though I know that those dimples are formed from vindictive thoughts, I’m taking it.” He laughed. “You’re so fucking Apple pie. I’m sure you’ll get it even if you’re gay and not to mention with me which may I remind you of that that alone will be a hard sale.” He pointed. “Apple pie?” Cash questioned. “Yeah. You’re perfect. Apple pie. My mother will love you and so will Canton.” He said widening his eyes readying himself for what was going to happen. Cash’s emotions filled to the brim of the mention of Negan’s mother. He wanted this happiness in his life again but this time it just felt so natural. Negan took notice of the glow in Cash’s silent expression. “You know for as big and intimidating as you are, Beasty, you’re  the softest soul I think I’ve ever met.”  He shared. “You know what they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.” Cash shrugged with his shoulder. “Well if that’s true, I’m hoping that your shoe size is relevant as well.” Negan added pushing his tongue to his cheek. Cash winked and that’s all he was giving him.